So 2019 is here and I am still fat and not happy with myself.
Who else feels this way?
I can't be the only one.
So here I am...going to be 40 this year and in the worse spot I have been. Fat, tired, bitchy, and just overall UGH mood.
242 days until my birthday and I want to spend it on the beach not thinking about who is looking at me.
I have always been negative on self images and I want to work on my issues.
I am now doing daily calorie check and will be doing 30 minutes of activity daily.
I weight 306.6 the biggest ever without being pregnant.
Sitting mini goals. Feb 1st-296. March 1st-286. April 276. May 270. June 265. July 260.
August 255 and SEPTEMBER 1st (my bday) 250.
I can do this. I know I can. I just need to find the confidence and energy.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Remember
Life is full of ups and downs.
It is easy to relax when life is up but its how you react when it is down that shows your true character. Never be satisfied and always strive to be more.
You kids are always watching. '
Love them and show them it is ok to be sad and that you don't always have the answer.
It is easy to relax when life is up but its how you react when it is down that shows your true character. Never be satisfied and always strive to be more.
You kids are always watching. '
Love them and show them it is ok to be sad and that you don't always have the answer.
Thursday, March 1, 2018
Stress
Stress...it's an interesting word. What causes stress and how does one handle stress.
Life is not easy. I have a had a hard time with finding me lately and I want to find ME again. And no I am not having a Ricky Bobby moment where there is a cougar and the word me printed on anything. I have been so wrapped up in being a momma bear for my kids that I look in the mirror and don't see me. I look tired all the time. I realize yesterday when I got home that I drank a couple of coffee and nothing else. Where did I go?
My oldest son has verbal and motor apraxia. He has adhd and anxiety disorder. This is causing an interesting mix of how a almost 13 handles stress. Apraxia causes him not to have a voice all the time. He has an issue using words to express himself so he finds other ways. Due to his size those ways that he see's as innocent make others worry. I do not fear my son, or have I have feared my son. Down deep there is the funny and smiling kid that I would find when he would wake up from a nap. He is still the funny kid that would tell us jokes or play practical jokes on us. The problem is that kid is buried so deep underneath this horrible head game of anxiety. It has been a long road and we aren't even to a point that I feel it is under control. All I do is pray for answers or a vision of where we should go and how we can help find that funny and loving child that anxiety has buried so deep.
Today is my half birthday and I have decided to try to find me again. Life is a struggle and I feel that I am on the outer bands of a spinning tornado. I strive to find myself that is in the eye of the storm where I can find peace and be ME again.
Life is not easy. I have a had a hard time with finding me lately and I want to find ME again. And no I am not having a Ricky Bobby moment where there is a cougar and the word me printed on anything. I have been so wrapped up in being a momma bear for my kids that I look in the mirror and don't see me. I look tired all the time. I realize yesterday when I got home that I drank a couple of coffee and nothing else. Where did I go?
My oldest son has verbal and motor apraxia. He has adhd and anxiety disorder. This is causing an interesting mix of how a almost 13 handles stress. Apraxia causes him not to have a voice all the time. He has an issue using words to express himself so he finds other ways. Due to his size those ways that he see's as innocent make others worry. I do not fear my son, or have I have feared my son. Down deep there is the funny and smiling kid that I would find when he would wake up from a nap. He is still the funny kid that would tell us jokes or play practical jokes on us. The problem is that kid is buried so deep underneath this horrible head game of anxiety. It has been a long road and we aren't even to a point that I feel it is under control. All I do is pray for answers or a vision of where we should go and how we can help find that funny and loving child that anxiety has buried so deep.
Today is my half birthday and I have decided to try to find me again. Life is a struggle and I feel that I am on the outer bands of a spinning tornado. I strive to find myself that is in the eye of the storm where I can find peace and be ME again.
Monday, January 1, 2018
2018
So today is January 1, 2018. It is interesting that everyone thinks a new year is a new start. In reality it is just another day. Don't get me wrong it is a day in time that you can say lets do this....and start a plan. The problem is you can chose any day to start a plan but if you don't follow thru then what good was the plan? This is my problem every year. EVERY YEAR! So how do you get out of this constant struggle?
Don't make a plan? That doesn't seem very smart.
Make a plan and then make a plan to stay on plan? Who is planning this? and what plan should I stick to?
Make a plan...tell everyone you know and then stick to the plan because you don't want to let people down?
UGH. All of this makes me very anxious and sends my anxiety thru the roof. So I like an idea a friend of mine started. What is your "word" for the year? I really thought about my life and realize that I struggle with change and worrying about if I let someone else down. In reality I am just letting myself down and then this vicious cycle starts over again. So my word for the year is BRAVE. I want to BRAVE in everything I do. I find myself not standing up for myself, worried about what others think or say about me, scared of change, and scared to love/let people in. I want to live and not have regrets. I want to teach my kids that is ok to be different and to be seen but at the end of the day you have to love yourself no matter what your faults are. I want to let up on my controlling tendencies and let others lead the pack. I want to be happy and if I am happy and people see it then others will be happy to be around me also.
BRAVE!!!! is a such a strong word but it means so much. I also have to be BRAVE to see my faults and what I need to work on. My health is number one on my list. I am not going to be wrapped up in the scale but I just checked and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I just want to treat my body like a temple...will I screw up and fall off the rails? Yes. But I will have to be BRAVE to say that is ok and start again.
BRAVE
Don't make a plan? That doesn't seem very smart.
Make a plan and then make a plan to stay on plan? Who is planning this? and what plan should I stick to?
Make a plan...tell everyone you know and then stick to the plan because you don't want to let people down?
UGH. All of this makes me very anxious and sends my anxiety thru the roof. So I like an idea a friend of mine started. What is your "word" for the year? I really thought about my life and realize that I struggle with change and worrying about if I let someone else down. In reality I am just letting myself down and then this vicious cycle starts over again. So my word for the year is BRAVE. I want to BRAVE in everything I do. I find myself not standing up for myself, worried about what others think or say about me, scared of change, and scared to love/let people in. I want to live and not have regrets. I want to teach my kids that is ok to be different and to be seen but at the end of the day you have to love yourself no matter what your faults are. I want to let up on my controlling tendencies and let others lead the pack. I want to be happy and if I am happy and people see it then others will be happy to be around me also.
BRAVE!!!! is a such a strong word but it means so much. I also have to be BRAVE to see my faults and what I need to work on. My health is number one on my list. I am not going to be wrapped up in the scale but I just checked and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I just want to treat my body like a temple...will I screw up and fall off the rails? Yes. But I will have to be BRAVE to say that is ok and start again.
BRAVE
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Who am I?
My name is Jennifer and I am from the Midwest. I have decided to start this blog because I feel I have lived and continue to live thru some life lessons that have and will continue to shape my life. I feel others can relate and hopefully not feel alone.
I am a mother to two boys. They are twenty two parts and will be 12 and 10 in 2017. My soon to be 10 year old is a typical child. My soon to be 12 year old has verbal and motor apraxia. He also struggles with anxiety disorder.
I am a wife to a loving disable husband. We will celebrate 15 years in June. Failed back surgeries are the cause of his disabilities and other health issues have come from this disability.
I am from a small town in the Midwest. Grew up with my mother and brother. My biological father was not in the picture really since I was four due to his own demons.
Life has not been easy but has been rewarding. I have gone thru growing up in a single parent home, high school track athlete, scholarship division one college athlete, being the first to graduate college in my family, spouse becoming disabled, infertility, PCOS, bread winner, life changing decisions, obesity and having a child with disabilities. I continue to deal with self doubt/worth.
This is going to be an outlet of my daily struggles and life stories/lessons.
Every day is a tornado in my life and every day I wake up thanking God for another day.
/jvl
I am a mother to two boys. They are twenty two parts and will be 12 and 10 in 2017. My soon to be 10 year old is a typical child. My soon to be 12 year old has verbal and motor apraxia. He also struggles with anxiety disorder.
I am a wife to a loving disable husband. We will celebrate 15 years in June. Failed back surgeries are the cause of his disabilities and other health issues have come from this disability.
I am from a small town in the Midwest. Grew up with my mother and brother. My biological father was not in the picture really since I was four due to his own demons.
Life has not been easy but has been rewarding. I have gone thru growing up in a single parent home, high school track athlete, scholarship division one college athlete, being the first to graduate college in my family, spouse becoming disabled, infertility, PCOS, bread winner, life changing decisions, obesity and having a child with disabilities. I continue to deal with self doubt/worth.
This is going to be an outlet of my daily struggles and life stories/lessons.
Every day is a tornado in my life and every day I wake up thanking God for another day.
/jvl
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